As you may well know I’ve been absent for several days, and haven’t posted my usual witty poetry and stupendous photos. Hang on I ‘ll take my tongue out of my cheek. Rest assured my army post will be up in the morning, although there may be disruptions to my normal routine. I’ve always been one who wants to understand why things happen, or why people do what they do. I’m writing today in the hope that those who follow my blog, and are interested in what I have to say will understand me a little better. What I’m about to write isn’t about garnering sympathy, likes, blog statistics or tweets. It’s about you, the reader/follower understanding me and where I’m coming from. Love that sixties phrase. For those who have been following my blog for a couple of years may realise that I have been on the wrong end of some nasty stuff over my lifetime.
Knocks to the head in general, drowning, neck injuries, lightning strikes, being kicked in the head by a horse, and on the receiving end of a couple of nasty explosions can leave their mark. I first showed signs of a problem while in the police. After several tests a benign, inoperable tumour the size of a marble, was located in the centre of the left hemisphere of my brain. I don’t know how long it had been there. What followed were years of epileptic symptoms, with no signs of epilepsy when tests were taken. Daily seizures while conscious became the norm, then faded away. In 1995 I woke one morning and a whole new regime of symptoms began. Doctors didn’t want to know me because they couldn’t really find anything. In 2004 a lovely professor performed several tests and told me the top of my spinal cord, brain stem, and cerebellum were damaged. The spinal cord itself was abnormally thick, I suggested that I’d been told I was thick in the head for years. The upshot of it all was, you guessed right, not a thing we can do about it, learn to live with it and sadly it will only get worse.
Guess what? He was right. Over time the resulting symptoms have worsened when they appear. Thankfully 99% of the time they come on when I’m lying down or get out of bed in the morning. I can’t get one side of my body to work, or my left eyeball rolls around in the socket. That really scares the missus. Then I can’t speak, or when I do it comes out like Donald duck on crack cocaine. Where is this leading I hear you ask? Well it comes down to last Tuesday night. Now, depending on where my head is in relation to my pillows can cause problems. I woke up after midnight fighting for breath, my body stiffened and the breathing stopped. It started again and I tried to wake my good wife, naturally I couldn’t raise an arm, so I spoke. A six month old baby voice came out, I spoke again, a little better now as I sounded like a duck. Okay I thought, I can put up with this. Then, stillness, a tugging at my head and I floated out of my body. Now I’ve seen more than my fair share of dead people and from my position above the bed staring down, I looked dead. My wife stirred and I heard her gasp out, “Don’t die on me.” She then drove her elbow into my side and I began to breathe again.
So, why did I stop writing/blogging? Depression set in, I couldn’t function, life looked bleak and I felt overwhelmed by it all. So I’ve spent a couple of days pondering all of this and wondering what to do. Then it hit me, I felt like this for weeks after drowning in 1978. There seems to be a connection with the near death experience and recovery. I imagine it must have something to do with the realisation of death, I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel different and I’ve been thinking about my life. As much as I love writing and blogging it’s not my whole life. I will still come up with something every week, perhaps my photos, or maybe a poem ( something has happened to my rhyming process ) the army blog has a limited life and I will finish that in a couple of weeks. I will still comment on blogs or leave likes, though perhaps not as often. There you have it, I’m back. I have a few blogs to look at and will persevere at it until I’ve caught up.