An Explanation.

As you may well know I’ve been absent for several days, and haven’t posted my usual witty poetry and stupendous photos. Hang on I ‘ll take my tongue out of my cheek. Rest assured my army post will be up in the morning, although there may be disruptions to my normal routine. I’ve always been one who wants to understand why things happen, or why people do what they do. I’m writing today in the hope that those who follow my blog, and are interested in what I have to say will understand me a little better. What I’m about to write isn’t about garnering sympathy, likes, blog statistics or tweets. It’s about you, the reader/follower understanding me and where I’m coming from. Love that sixties phrase. For those who have been following my blog for a couple of years may realise that I have been on the wrong end of some nasty stuff over my lifetime.

Knocks to the head in general, drowning, neck injuries, lightning strikes, being kicked in the head by a horse, and on the receiving end of a couple of nasty explosions can leave their mark. I first showed signs of a problem while in the police. After several tests a benign, inoperable tumour the size of a marble, was located in the centre of the left hemisphere of my brain. I don’t know how long it had been there. What followed were years of epileptic symptoms, with no signs of epilepsy when tests were taken. Daily seizures while conscious became the norm, then faded away. In 1995 I woke one morning and a whole new regime of symptoms began. Doctors didn’t want to know me because they couldn’t really find anything. In 2004 a lovely professor performed several tests and told me the top of my spinal cord, brain stem, and cerebellum were damaged. The spinal cord itself was abnormally thick, I suggested that I’d been told I was thick in the head for years. The upshot of it all was, you guessed right, not a thing we can do about it, learn to live with it and sadly it will only get worse.

Guess what? He was right. Over time the resulting symptoms have worsened when they appear. Thankfully 99% of the time they come on when I’m lying down or get out of bed in the morning. I can’t get one side of my body to work, or my left eyeball rolls around in the socket. That really scares the missus. Then I can’t speak, or when I do it comes out like Donald duck on crack cocaine. Where is this leading I hear you ask? Well it comes down to last Tuesday night. Now, depending on where my head is in relation to my pillows can cause problems. I woke up after midnight fighting for breath, my body stiffened and the breathing stopped. It started again and I tried to wake my good wife, naturally I couldn’t raise an arm, so I spoke. A six month old baby voice came out, I spoke again, a little better now as I sounded like a duck. Okay I thought, I can put up with this. Then, stillness, a tugging at my head and I floated out of my body. Now I’ve seen more than my fair share of dead people and from my position above the bed staring down, I looked dead. My wife stirred and I heard her gasp out, “Don’t die on me.” She then drove her elbow into my side and I began to breathe again.

So, why did I stop writing/blogging? Depression set in, I couldn’t function, life looked bleak and I felt overwhelmed by it all. So I’ve spent a couple of days pondering all of this and wondering what to do. Then it hit me, I felt like this for weeks after drowning in 1978. There seems to be a connection with the near death experience and recovery. I imagine it must have something to do with the realisation of death, I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel different and I’ve been thinking about my life. As much as I love writing and blogging it’s not my whole life. I will still come up with something every week, perhaps my photos, or maybe a poem ( something has happened to my rhyming process ) the army blog has a limited life and I will finish that in a couple of weeks. I will still comment on blogs or leave likes, though perhaps not as often. There you have it, I’m back. I have a few blogs to look at and will persevere at it until I’ve caught up.

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80 thoughts on “An Explanation.

  1. merlinfraser

    You sound like me Laurie, we are of an age when thoughts turn to ideas like, ” If I’d known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.”
    However knowing you and knowing how we think we would probably say ” What the Hell and do it all over again !

    That’s the thing about us We Have Lived Life to the Full and Yes it is starting to take its toll on us now but “What a Ride !”

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      That’s true Merlin. In fact when I was in my deepest depression I didn’t expect to live from day to day. A full life indeed, there may be one or to things I might have done different but on the whole, hit the start button again. That’s the only trouble, the body doesn’t appreciate how you mistreated it and keeps giving you reminders. Lol.

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  2. bgbowers

    Laurie, I’m sorry to hear about your health struggles and I hope that you will force yourself to take it easy and spend time doing what makes you happy. Loyal readers of your blog will understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and they will still love you regardless of whether you manage to post once a week or once a month. I understand the near-death experience as I had a few myself – it’s perfectly natural to feel what you’re feeling. The best advice I can give, is to just go with it – don’t fight it – and really, take time for yourself and your wife and forget about everything else until you’re ready to do so.
    Thinking of you and sending you much love,
    Bianca xoxo

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks Bianca, people, like yourself have been very supportive indeed. I find it quite easy to pop pictures up, I guess one is working with a different part of the mind, more visual. Poetry? That’s a different kettle of fish. NDE’s, I’ve had three now and they mess with you quite a bit. It’s what caused it this time that gives me the tom tits. thanks for your love and wishes.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  3. Peter D. Mallett

    I had not seen these two posts until today. I scrolled through and read some of the many comments as well. I know your post wasn’t written for sympathy, but it seems you have garnered a lot genuine support. It’s odd that as I write this I had to go and switch on a light, because it’s getting dark here even though it’s 9:00 am. We are supposed to have a lot of rain for the next couple of days. Like you said we all have our “hidden dark places” we deal with. I will add your concerns to my thought and prayers. PS. Here comes the rain, perhaps there will be a rainbow afterwards.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Hi Peter, thanks for following. I’ve garnered a steady following since Nov 2012 and have posted regularly since then. So when I found it difficult to keep up I believed that I needed to give an explanation. I too was surprised by the response I received, overwhelming actually. Sympathy helps nobody but empathy goes a long way to supporting a person. Darkness makes us appreciate the light when it comes again. Yes there is always a rainbow, you just have to see it. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers Peter, I appreciate it.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  4. Hazy Shades of Me

    I’ve come across this at a strange time. A friend just passed yesterday after battling with her 3rd brain tumour. Now hers were obviously malignant, but she dealt with a lot of the same symptoms as you.

    I can imagine it must be incredibly scary and yes, at times very depressing, but you were able to witness, firsthand, how much you mean to your wife – not all of us get that insight! ;0)

    My friend struggled daily with the perils of a problematic brain, but I know she’d still be cheering you on to keep going. She always said that every day you’re breathing is a good day.

    I wish you happiness.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks so much for commenting. The brain is a wonderful thing until it plays up, then watch out. Please accept my condolences for your friends passing. I have much to be thankful for indeed, a hard elbow being one of them, 🙂 seriously though there is always somebody worse off. I can handle the odd behaviour by my body but my fear is that one day it won’t go away. Then I’m left unable to speak and use my hands, some may say it’s a blessing but it would be a bad day indeed if I couldn’t communicate. Yes I always say another day above ground is a good one.
      Cheers
      Laurie

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  5. ellenrobertsyoung

    I’m a late-comer commenter and not a long term follower; I want to add my thanks for your “explanation” of some things I didn’t know about you. You’ve heard a lot of good advice from other commenters, so I won’t pontificate on taking care of yourself any further. I look forward to seeing your pictures whenever you have some to share. Writing truth is not easy.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thank you so much Ellen. I didn’t want to just ‘drop out’ without some explanation. I’m glad you like my pictures, they’re the one thing I always like to share. The truth is never easy, I guess that’s why lies are popular.
      Cheers
      Laure.

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  6. Theresa

    I’m gone for a few days and this is what I return to… One of my favorite blogging friends – I am grateful beyond words that you are still here (and for your wife’s elbow). I, for one, am a better person for having gotten to know you through your genuine, heartfelt and sometimes hysterically funny posts, as well as from your comments on my own work. Take your time, dear friend, and do what feels best for you. But know that I hold you in my heart, prayers and thoughts. If you decide to have a WordPress reunion down under, I’ll find a way to be there! Blessings…

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thank you Theresa, that’s right go away and whammo, everything happens. I appreciate it that you find my posts worthy, it’s beautiful comments from people like yourself that have kept me here doing this. As long as the reunion isn’t on the other side we’ll be fine. 🙂 Thank you for being kind.
      Laurie.

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  7. Wordifull Melanie

    Laurie,

    I’ve been sitting here writing and deleting several comments….everything I try to say seems trite. So I will simply say thank you. Thank you for being you and being here…in spite of and because of all that you have been through. I don’t visit as much as I’d like (ya know I have my own issues) but I always enjoy your photography and humor and have been deeply moved by your poetry. We survivors share a bond I think. Glad you made it through and will be here as you can. No worries just take care of you.

    Sending happy and healing thoughts your way and hugs…lots of hugs.
    ~Melanie

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thank you for your kind words Melanie. Visiting or not it’s nice to have nice people behind you and I’m glad you like my work. Surviving is about right but surviving with a purpose is what stirs us on with our poetry and writing. I’ll always be dropping in and the photos won’t stop, there just might be fewer of them. Accepting hugs all the time. 🙂
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  8. Lee Furlong

    28 Jan 2014

    Dr. V L (Lee) Furlong Lee Furlong ICT Consulting Services 76 Greg Norman Crescent Parkwood, QLD 4214 PH: 07 5679 0498 Mob: 0407 430 621 Website: http://leefurlong.net

    Dear Laurie,

    OMG mate…we can’t loose you. Your audience out here will not let you go anywhere. CHUCKLES. You will get LOTS of communications I am sure. I would like to give you my fondest possible GOOD WISHES for a long life ahead….and we’ll all be out here ‘rooting’ for you. I share all your writings with my daughter and grandkids in Montana USA. and they pass it along still further.

    IF any part of your condition is ‘inflammation related’ then I can propose a harmless spice remedy called ‘activated turmeric’ which my firm http://australianutraceuticals.com.au produces. I’m happy to give you the required capsules for ZERO cost.

    Hang in there Laurie… My very best regards, Lee –

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Well my goodness, hello Lee. It is so nice to know that you are still out there. It’s not hard to lose touch in this busy world of blogging. I’m extremely chuffed that you pass on my work to your daughter and family. I appreciate your good wishes and the offer of your turmeric capsules. I think most ailments are inflammation related in some way. I have emphysema now, plus there are the myriad injuries over the years that have contributed to aching joints. Especially in the neck where I can feel several lumps. I reckon I’d try horse apples with syrup on them if it would help. 🙂
      I’ve never been one to knock back the generosity of others and I will take up your offer but I wish to contribute towards it. If they work for me then you will have a good customer. I have contacted you vi your website. thanks very much,
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  9. nataliescarberry

    Oh my what a tale of anguish, Laurie. I am so sorry that you’ve had to endure all that you have. It is definitely more than your fair share, and I’ll will be praying for you daily. The Lord is definitely carving a path down deep into your soul and it’s always for a reason, a divine purpose that He digs. I know you need time to rest and regroup, but I would encourage you to keep writing and taking pictures. Creative endeavors are cathartic, and there are those who benefit from your stories, not just the trials, but the triumphs and overcomings as well. There’s a saying that we are all angels with only one wing and so we need each other to fly, and we need your wing, my friend. To have made it thus far you are obviously a man of character and mental strength. The fact that you are still here means the Lord is not finished with you and that He wants you to keep baring your soul, as it were. Remember, people don’t need you to be perfect, they just need you to be real so their “wing” doesn’t collapse under the weight of their struggles. May God blelss you with great comfort and healing now and always. Hugs, Natalie 🙂

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Hi Natalie, thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. I actually feel humbled today with the messages of support and inspiration that I have received. Makes one feel wanted. Well, the good Lord has had 62 years to carve out a purpose. I may not be listening. I don’t know. Writing has been the one thing I have persevered with and it’s given me great pleasure. I might hazard a guess and say that it may be what’s being carved out. 🙂 With making it this far I thought I was just lucky. Sorry, you’re right I know I have touched people with what I’ve had to say. I have more to say as time goes on but I’m not ready to write about it yet.
      The creative process is a great transformer and can bring one out of the blahs. Hopefully without depressing your audience. I have taken on board what you have written here Natalie and I thank you immensely for thinking about me at this time. All blessings, hugs and prayers are gratefully accepted.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  10. oldmainer

    Quite a disturbing revelation my friend. I had no idea which says you are a person comfortable walking in their own shoes. I have seen hints of pain in your writing and although it is not a good thing, it is perhaps part of what makes your writing so real, so you. There is nothing I can tell you or nothing I can do to change anything, but want you to know that you have a friend here that will carry you in their thoughts. I too would encourage you to continue to write and take pictures. It is a gift and it is your legacy. And of course, selfishly, it is our link to each other.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Hi Bob, it is disturbing and has been lurking under the surface for a while now. It’s amazing what writing does for us, because we are tapping into the unconscious mind we must also disturb deeper feelings. Hence the pain that flows with the ink as it were. I promised myself that I would write my truth and in so doing write it truthfully. This can be dangerous. I have a deeper well of events that are waiting to be unveiled. They have been niggling at me for years, waiting for me to get up the courage to write about them. All in good time I imagine. Knowing that you are there thinking of me makes a difference Bob, and it inspires me to keep going. I may not be giving a lot from now on but what I do give will be the best I have to offer.
      A link to each other. I like that.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  11. hitandrun1964

    Ah, my dear friend. I’m not at all happy to hear about the things you are going through. What kind of friend would I be if I was. 😦 Blah. I admire your attitude, but, of course, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, than bravery and “carry on.” Looking at yourself rom the ceiling is strange thing and people who have had that experience often say they couldn’t believe that’s what they actually looked like. I’m sure you saw a non-moving but incredibly handsome man who was wondering why he was looking down at himself. Seriously, please know how much I care about you. I know that words and good wishes don’t actually change anything or even help put my friend, I wish only happiness and joy for you and I will send love and light your way.
    I hope you continue to blog, as much as you like, for I look forward to each and every post. I hope each day finds you well and strong. Many hugs and if I thought the chickens would help I would send a flock directly to your door. Lv G

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Hi Gigi, it’s great to hear from you. Yes, carry on regardless could be my motto for the week. One’s appearance from the ceiling can be quite an eye opener, still handsome I must add but terribly white and waxy looking. In a Madame Tussauds waxworks kind of way. I’ll be serious now too, yes I do know that you care. Words and fond wishes may not change a situation but they change the person receiving them. I truly appreciate what you have written here, out of everything we have in life there is nothing without happiness and joy. It’s funny about those chickens, whenever I read something form you I get a sense of a lovely bantam hen nestling next to me. Strange.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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      1. hitandrun1964

        I send chicken love to you all the time, sweet one. chirps and peeps from the heart. It has to be scary…what you’re going through…for your wife, as well. LOL looking down on yourself, handsome as ever. I wouldn’t expect anything less. I’ve seen your photographs of younger days and aside from the adorable one, when you were a little kid, I think you are more handsome now, than ever before:) I hope the wee bantam keeps your spirits up and keeps you warm and happy as well. Hugs.

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      2. laurie27wsmith Post author

        Why thank you Gigi. Yes it scares the bejasus out of Lorelle, gets me a tad cranky too. At least I know that all things being equal I’ll make a fine looking corpse. God knows I’ve seen some terrible ones. 🙂 Dang, there’s that clucking again, the Bantam’s back. Hugs accepted.
        Cheers
        Laurie.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks Laurie, it’s the curve balls that hit you where it hurts that get me. 🙂 That’s a great piece of advice, writing what makes my spirit soar, there’s a hint in there.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  12. Pagadan

    Dear Laurie, Thanks you for sharing so much of your life with us. I’ve been wondering and worrying about you. Love and prayers and hugs to you–and to your wonderful wife. With her support and the wisdom you’ve gained over the years, you can go ahead with what you think you need to do. Our hopes and wishes to see more of you and your writing and photos and books are irrelevant to your needs. So much love and appreciation to you and your wife.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thank you Joy, I really appreciate your kind thoughts and worrying about me. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t be here without my lovely wife. She is definitely my rock. I won’t drop out completely, I’ll still be around to entertain, annoy and make folks think.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  13. talain45

    Hello Laurie, it is always good to hear from you even despite resent events. I love your worm hearted visits to my blog, your comments and your thinking. You’ve been very thoughtful and kink to me with the likes. I’m a big fan of your posts “Your in the army now”. I love the way you think and compos all of your wonderful post.

    I’m sorry to hear about everything going on with you. I can only offer you my thought’s and prayers, and all of my best. We learn from adversity, who and what we are. We share our experiences with each other and we all learn things about our salves. You are a gifted teacher and writer Laurie. I’m hopping your with us for the long hall and sharing your posted and thoughts. We all will eventually succome to time and our own end. when that day comes, I will miss our small conversations, the post and a man that I’ve come to love and respected from half a world away.

    I wont you to take care of yourself first. Be to be thankful for all that is in your life, especially your wife elbow! Continue to be brave and that loving man that I know. If your able to continue to be a teacher and poet, that would be great if it still within your enjoyment. I would be looking forwards to your continued fellowship! With all my thoughts and prayers, Love and respect. Your friend, Love Michael 🙂

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Michael, I don’t know what to say. What a beautiful reply, so warm and heartfelt, it has touched me deeply. My wife read it earlier and she cried. Sometimes I don’t think we realise how much our work touches the people who read it. I always like to drop in and see what you’ve posted Michael. You take some great pictures of birds and nature in general, they deserve to be acknowledged. Indeed the day will come when we have to move on. It’s nice to know that when I do there will be people I’ve never met who will miss my presence. I’ll keep on keeping on as the saying goes and drop my little pearls of wisdom around the place, 😉 Michael I accept you your love, thoughts and prayers with the sincerity in which they were sent. Love and best wishes Laurie.

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  14. doverwhitecliff

    Huge hugs from this side of the planet. Very glad you’re still with us. The important part is your health and well being…while I loved your posts (especially the roos), I’d much rather have a few less and know that you’re happy and doing the things that keep you so than have a billion posts that cause you pain. Please take care of yourself, Sir…you’re a very special person.

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  15. Raani York

    Dear Laurie,
    I was shocked and feeling quite helpless when hearing what you’re facing. Over your humor and your positive attitude one can nearly forget what kind of hard life you had been leading and that all you’ve been going through probably demanded its tribute. That’s what happened here to me. When I read about the problems you’re facing right now it was at first hard to believe. To me, as the romantic and charming adventurer I’ve made you in my thoughts, you seem to be indestructible to me. Like a rock in the ocean of life.
    And still, there you are and I’m feeling weird because I can’t help you.
    Oh – please don’t misunderstand me! I’m sure your wonderful wife does take care of you very well. It’s just – that happens to me all the time. When I like someone I consider to be a friend of mine and I hear that person isn’t feeling well, I’d like to run and help.
    Of course it’s understandable you’re going to take care of your health, Laurie!
    Set your priorities the way you want – and most important first!
    Of course, your regular blog readers are going to miss you very much, seeing your posts irregular and rarer. But we all will understand what lead to this – and I do support your decision! What else is there to do?
    Take care of yourself and stay who and how you are!!
    And should I ever be able to help you with something, call me – I’ll be there!!!!
    Sending you a BIG HUG!!!!

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Hi Raani, fear not, I’m still a handsome and charming adventurer, just with a tendency to wobbliness and such at times. Thank you for caring so much. ‘You can’t help me?’ My goodness, you are one of my favourite blogging friends who has been here since I started. Up to now I’ve been nearly indestructible 🙂 the rock is wearing away. Yes I have my wife but don’t forget I have you there across the world, a person who cares too. That means an awful lot to me. You’re a caring and feeling person Raani. Yes, health comes first that way I can still keep a presence, 🙂 not as much content but there all the same. Thank you again for caring and being there, all hugs gratefully accepted. xoxo Laurie

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      1. Raani York

        Of course you are, Laurie! And if I’d only been 10 years younger, 100 pounds lighter and not so shy, your wife would face serious competition/ *wink-wink* LOL
        Of course I care, my friend – and I’m serious about this!!
        And I know for myself, every time I’ll see you online – on your blog or mine, I’ll be grateful!!
        Another hug to you! xoxo

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      2. laurie27wsmith Post author

        Gee Raani, we’d all like to be ten years younger and a hundred pounds lighter. 🙂 Boy we’d both have serious competition. I know you’re serious, and that you care. So prepare to be grateful because I’ll be there. Keep sending hugs. 🙂

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  16. Owls and Orchids

    Hi Laurie,
    I think I’ve felt it for a couple of weeks – sorting out odd feelings that seemed different to what I have come to expect. It’s terrible to say you expect rotten feelings but there has been a roller coaster of emotions as well?? I think as soon as you said you were taking I break I knew you either would return or not and believed it would be better for you to do what you needed to without me adding my wishes for your return. As long as you feel good and have your health I couldn’t want for more, and I’m so happy Rel is there with you.
    I haven’t ‘known’ you for very long but I feel we made a connection and I admire all you have done with your life and because of your life. You have an enormous inner strength and courage even if there are times you can;’t see it or feel it.
    Ray and I are both saddened by what has happened but relieved that you are ‘back’ as much as you want or need to. (I knew there was a reason I should leave you be and not worry you with my petty problems 🙂 )
    Take care of yourself Laurie, and your wonderful wife. If we can do anything to help, you have only to give us a nod. You have my email and Ray is always ready for a yarn.
    Lots of love, peace and hugs
    Susan x

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Hi Susan, you certainly picked it up. I had a dream the week before which I will email you when I’ve attended to all the wonderful replies I’ve received. It’s heart-warming to know that people actually care. I was probably putting too much pressure on myself with the posting. it’s amazing that I’ve gone on this long. The rot set in I think when I started on the Vietnam section of my blog. A lot of things I had shoved in the cellar came creeping out, things I hadn’t blogged about. Tensions increase, ptsd kicks in, then it’s on for young and old. So it’s a real mix-up. I will poke along knowing that people care enough to still look at my work. Thank you and ray for your kindness and offerings of support. ps, Your problems aren’t petty Susan, there’s nothing petty about unrelenting pain.
      Hugs right back at ya,
      Laurie. xoxo

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  17. thisisnotbangkok

    Hi Laurie. I commend you for having the courage to write this. I had a feeling you weren’t doing well–I consider myself half psychic–but had no idea what it was about. On this end, you sound the same and you have definitely not lost your charm and wit. We can only expect that you do what you can. You must put yourself first. Looking forward to all your upcoming posts, as long or as short as they may be…..

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thank you so much Michael. I wrote it because I didn’t just want to bail out on people without some explanation. You picked up the vibe eh? I think my wit and charm are all I have left sometime, like some down and out conman. 🙂 I will post on as it were and keep the friendships going. I’m slugging through a week of unread emails too. sigh.

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      1. thisisnotbangkok

        Thanks for taking the time to write such a lengthy response. Yes I did pick up on it long ago actually. I really believe I am half an empath or half a psychic or something. Remember you can always email me personally if you want to vent, say something that is not appropriate for here, etc. I will always make the time to listen.

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      2. laurie27wsmith Post author

        There’s one thing I do have Michael and that’s free time. 🙂 It’s amazing what one can pick up through the ether. When I was heavily into my psychic work I would do readings for people in chat rooms. I was only in the rooms to chat with my son who had moved to Canada at the time, and it became the easiest way to keep in touch. It never ceased to amaze me as to what came through. these days I dabble a little, though it’s like anything you have to give it your full attention to be good at it. Thank you for the email offer Michael. I’ve had a few of them and believe me if I need to I will. Take care,
        Laurie.

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  18. olganm

    Thanks for letting us know what you’re going through. I enjoy the posts, the pictures and all your work. You’re right, focus on what is more important for you and your family. I’ll be thinking of you and your family. And send regards to your wife. It’s good to have her on your team.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks Olga, you’re welcome. At first I wanted to run away and leave it all behind, it’s very easy that way. Then I talked it over with my wife and worked out what I’ll be doing. She thinks I’m a nicer person when I write. 🙂 Oh and when I take photos.

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  19. suzjones

    Laurie, I’m sorry to hear this. I often wonder why some people suffer so much and others breeze through life. I have come to believe that those who suffer, have so much more to offer in their lives. They have a purpose to fulfil. Depression sucks big time my friend and you know I’m speaking from experience. Step back, take stock but please don’t stop writing (on your blog or otherwise). I’m a strong believer that writing is the cheapest form of therapy. Email me if you need an ear.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Hi Suz, thanks so much for replying. I tend to think we pick our lives and when we get here it’s like, “WTF were you thinking stupid? Remember the other choice, good looks, charm, wit, money and a big…?” You know what I picked. It may be worth it in the end. I’ve battled depression since I was about 14, luckily I’ve managed to fail at suicide. Writing has been my salvation and of course when you’re depressed you throw out the things that help. It’s a wobbly old merry-go-round this life lark, bit of a bugger when you get caught on the roller coaster. 🙂 Don’t worry if I need an ear I’ll mail you.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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      1. suzjones

        Of course, you tend not to do what you know will help when you’re depressed lol Kinda sucks doesn’t it?
        And for the record, I never asked for a big…. lol

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  20. Tami McVey

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve had these troubles, Laurie. Although nowhere near the severity of yours, I totally understand wanting your body to move and it just won’t listen. It’s frightening, but it’s also maddening which contributes to the emotional spiral. Hold fast, and do what you have to do to keep your symptoms in check. My heart and positive thoughts are with you and Rel. xoxo

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Hi Tami, great to hear from you. I’ve done everything else except fall down the laundry stairs. I feel for you with the ongoing neck and shoulder problems. I woke up one morning a few months ago, Rel had risen early and was watching the news and I lay there for half an hour unable to feel my body from the neck down, couldn’t speak, nothing. All I could do was send little mind pictures to her and hoped she picked up on them. She turned up after 10 minutes, took hold of my head and gave the neck a little twist and it all came back to normal. Bloody scary, all I could do was cry. Thanks so much for your thoughts Tami. xoxoxo
      Laurie.

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  21. mindlovemisery

    Oh Laurie since I found your blog I’ve been impressed by you. You are funny and extremely charming, intelligent, and a very gifted writer and photographer. You are so sharp mentally I am extremely impressed how do you keep that level of awareness and coherency? I have Epilepsy and just the other day I tried to enter a restaurant through a very obvious unopenable window, I feel as if I am in a state of semi-consciousness all the time. You have been through a lot far more than I can fathom and I remember the comment you left on my blog a few days ago, there was pain in it. If you need anyone to talk to email me any time: kesaiserris@gmail.com

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thank you so much for your kind words Yves. I’m speechless, nearly:-) How do I keep that level? Being retired I think. I can retreat when needed, recharge and get stuck in again. We live in a remote area and people don’t see me at my worst. When we go out it’s because I’m feeling okay. So I’ve been able to hide what goes on for years now. Even when I did work the problem could be hidden. I certainly feel for you with the Epilepsy. They misdiagnosed me in 1983 and put me on anti seizure medication. Three years I took it before they realised I didn’t have epilepsy. It certainly numbed my brain and made me feel terribly sluggish. Yes I was a little down when I left that comment. Hopefully these next few weeks will see an improvement. I know all the things I have to do to feel happier, damn it, it’s doing them that hurts. Thanks for the email addy, I have it in my gmail account if needed. Thanks for being a fiend Yves.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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      1. mindlovemisery

        I am quite the fiend hehe

        The meds are harsh I had one that made me sleep 16 hours and another that gave me Parkisonian’s symptoms that was scary not have control of my hands even when I wasn’t seizing. I couldn’t open anything even like doors and I’d get stuck when trying to move. Now I don’t take meds because my body couldn’t cope. I wish you the best Laurie you have a remarkable inner strength and resilience. I find having a sense of humor crucial. (hugs and positive vibes)

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      2. laurie27wsmith Post author

        There’s nothing worse than a cure that’s worse than the disease Yves, it’s diabolical. Those symptoms aren’t much fun, it’s amazing how much we take for granted. Just the ability to open a jar is wonderful when nothing is really working. When I get tired I find myself typing words backwards 🙂 Crazy, it’s only ones of four letters, no, not those four lettered words. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my sense of humour. 🙂 I tend to look at the funny side of life now, or the absurd, or have a jibe at the sacred cows of society. Thanks for the hugs and vibes. Love that word too, so sixties.:-)

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      3. mindlovemisery

        lol I have always used expressions that predate my existence

        I leave out or add nots. I think I once typed that someone’s poem was nonsense which is not at all what I meant. I don’t leave comments as much as I’d like because of my horrendous typos. Humor is essential. I love the absurd =)

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      4. laurie27wsmith Post author

        Nothing like good old words and phases. 🙂 Obviously you meant a nonsense poem. Nothing funnier than some typos you see around the place, sometime I think the subconscious takes over and delights in making one look foolish. I was talking with a woman years ago about detective novels and said, “You’d make a great sleuth.” She thought I said slut and it went downhill from there. I can get in trouble in any mode of communication.

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  22. davidprosser

    Bloody Hell Laurie, I’ve led a charmed life compared to you.For me, what this boils down to my friend is that it’s nice you’re back but that your life and the quality of it must be your priority. Thank heavens for women and their elbows eh?
    Take care of yourself, it’ll be a treat when we see you but we’ll try not to ask for too much.
    Cheers that man.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      What a great thought there David. I definitely won’t be a stranger *Who was that masked man ma?* But you’re right, our health comes first and foremost and yes thank heavens for elbows.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  23. patgarcia

    Good morning Bro,
    I don’t know whether this comment will end up in the right place. I was trying to comment on your blog An Explanation. You know how much I have enjoyed your books, interviews that have been done with you, your photography and your blog articles. You have a message, something to say, and I believe that there is at least two more books in you. One of those books, (I want mention it here) but you and I have talked about it. Maybe, just maybe, it is time that you stepped back and got that story on paper.

    Sometimes our bodies strike when we are not following the call that comes up within our spirit, or we are doing that what we are supposed to be doing. And I believe you know what I am talking about. I firmly believe that you have a book deep inside you that has to come out. No one can write that book but you. So, I see your stepping back as a time to reorganize, regroup and then come back slugging away.

    That it is necessary to step out and step back before any new significant changes happen in our lives is not unusual. I know. The hardest thing that I had to do in 2013 was learn to let go, step out, and step back, so that I could hear what was going on inside me.

    It has changed my course. My purpose is the same, but my path has taken a right turn and moved me beyond where I was because I have stepped back.

    Therefore do what you have to do. Take time to listen to your inner voice and after you have heard what it says, act on it.

    I’m rooting for you in every way.

    Love you, Bro.

    Shalom,
    Patti

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Good evening Sis, I’ve left yours until last. Such a lengthy reply needs my full attention. Yes there’re a couple of books on the go in my series, mainly because I’m holding off on the one I need to write. It doesn’t bother me mentioning it here, the story of my abusive childhood and the accompanying horrors that went with it. As you well know I have alluded to it in some of my poetry, and events and some child characters in my novels are based on true events. I know it isn’t enough, that a story of survival is nearly always well received. I wouldn’t want to be seen as jumping on the, *oh my poor childhood* bandwagon. This could be the year, the world has seen so much in the way of child abuse, murders, cruelty and torture that people might actually believe it happened back in the 50’s and 60’s. I don’t know, perhaps they may feel that there’s such a glut of similar stories. Or, I may be making excuses. yes last year was one of turmoil for you and medical problems. I do hope you are feeling better and I see that you too have reorganised your life. it can be a hard thing to do at times, especially when we get comfortable in our old ways. thanks so much for your ongoing support Sis, I love you and look forward to hearing from you.
      Cheers
      Bro.

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      1. patgarcia

        My Dear Bro,
        What other people feel or think about your decision to write that book that has been slumbering within you for years does not matter. You are writing because you have a message, a message, that is important for your readers and other people who have been in the same situation as you have been, to know. You will never know the impact of your writing until you step out of the shadows and validate it with your experience.

        And more than that, you will never know the impact this book will have on your other books that have already been published when you don’t step outside of the box. I can’t count the number of famous writers, who wrote book after book with little to almost no recognition, and then they wrote a book or have written a book that goes directly to the hearts of people, and suddenly, all of their past books are in demand. Their sales increase all across the board. That convinces me that there is a time and season for everything and this might be the right time and season for that book that you keep pushing to the side.

        The real question is, are you ready to jump over that fence and say, ‘here I am. This is also a part of me that I have had to overcome.’ The question is whether you are willing to confront those insecurities within you and say, ‘I may not win, but I am as sure as heaven, going to keep on pushing forward, as I deal with those things in the past and lay them aside as I replace them with pleasant memories and keep moving into that eternal light that is beckoning me to trust.

        Don’t think that these are simply words that I am writing. I know where you are, because I am there too. Change is the highest mountain in anyone’s life. We have to chip it down a little bit at a time or one stone at a time when it hits our lives. No one changes overnight, and if someone has changed overnight, send them to me. I’ll like to buy their formula. 🙂

        Since I’ve made my decision, there has been one test after the other. The point is that I’ve made a decision. This decision is directing the change in my life and sometimes the change can be very slow, but the vision that I see for my life is still in front of me.

        Which comes back to you, my brother. Your decision to do what you know (and you have already admitted to me that you know this book must be written) has to be done and to take it one second at a time.

        If you notice, I have not commented on your stepping back with sadness or regret that you’re stepping back, because I truly believe it is now time for you to move in that direction. I believe that you are being given the time to stand up and fulfill your purpose in life completely. You have a wonderful chance with the gift that you have been given, the gift of writing, to write for thousands or maybe millions of people who can never put into word their feelings, their fears, their torment, but you can do that. Therefore you are speaking for them.

        I am going to close this, because it is too long already and this is your blog, not mine. I just had to respond to your comment to me.

        I am going to close with this last statement. It’s up to you! Like the pieces on a chess board, your knight is being attacked by the castle, but if you move your knight to save it, your queen will be exposed to the castle. What do you do? It is up to you.

        Love you, Bro and many greetings to Lorelle. You both are extremely important to me.

        Shalom,
        Patti

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  24. Anja

    I think we each have moments in our lives where we need to step back and re-prioritize. I am happy to hear from you and understand you want to focus more of your energy elsewhere. I will have you in my prayers and sending you many positive vibes!!!

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