MIDWEEK POETRY. I don’t know why you wanted me.

I don’t know why you wanted me.

Was it because:
I was there?
Available?
Pliable?
Numb?
~~~
Unable to:
Fight back.
Call out.
Share my despair.
~~~
Were you:
Uncaring?
Unaware of my pain?
Unable to hear my cries?
Unable to hear your soul?
~~~
Engorged with lust you:
Tore me!
Scarred me!
Scared me!
Destroyed me!
~~~
While you only thought of:
Your needs.
Self fulfilment.
Orgasmic bliss.
~~~
My mind:
Slipped away.
Silently cried.
Became distorted.
Warped.
~~~
My world:
Became dark.
Depressed and
populated with demons.
Just like you.
~~~
L W Smith © 2014

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52 thoughts on “MIDWEEK POETRY. I don’t know why you wanted me.

    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Oops, Laurel is another blogger Sorella and one I might add who is like you, kind and loving, who loves cooking and food. You might want to visit her blog and check out her recipes.🙂 Oh yes, she thinks I’m lovely too. She has taste in her choice of wonderful bloggers.😉

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      1. Patricia Salamone

        YIKES! Sorry Fratello, and Laurel. However I am sure my statement is true, and I will check out Laurel’s blog. I will hop over there with one foot in my mouth. :o)

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  1. laurelslovelyliving

    It hurts me to read this poem and know it is real. For me it is hard to imagine such evil, for you it was lived. I took the time to read everyone’s comments and they very eloquently expressed a variety of emotions, with that, there is not much left for me to say other than you are a strong man for sharing something so private and delicate. Thank you for being amazing! Love, L.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks for reading both my poem and the comments L. Hard to write but thankfully time has worn away the pain. I try to show people that abuse can leave more than physical marks and pain. It can work its way into your psyche and control your adult life. Amazing eh? that’s so nice.
      Love L.

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  2. Patricia Salamone

    A powerful poem Fratello. You are so brave. You survived your ordeal for a reason, and I hope you know how much you are loved. There is nothing any one can say to make that time in your life go away, but it has made you the wonderful talented man you turned out to be. Let the little boy cry and let him know he is loved.

    Your Sorella

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks Sorella, once again it was one of those written at the last moment poems. I’ve actually felt better since writing it, I thought about it today and the event felt further away than usual. I know I’m loved, I wonder who it is?😉 I’ve sure shed a few tears.
      Fratello.

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  3. patgarcia

    Hi,
    I read this poem yesterday evening, but because of the heartache I felt while writing my Mother’s Day Message, I was unable to write my feelings about your poem.

    I read it again today, several times and this is what I saw and felt.

    I saw the hurting pain of many children who are abused and many times the abuses come from people they know and trust.
    I saw those girls in Nigeria, kidnapped by uncaring men who would rather damage and maimed them for a sick and tainted beliefs they hold in their heads about women.
    And I hear the cries of unprotected children who are giving over to men with depraved minds so that their families can eat a warm meal or keep a roof over their heads.

    You have written a powerful poem here. It is a cry from your heart and that is what makes it so beautiful. You have taken a stand by listening to the cries and giving words to the pain that so many children feel. You have shone light on a dark side of our world, a side that no one wants to talk about. And for that I thank you.

    If we as writers use our talents only to charm and entertain, then we have missed the boat. I believe every writer has a mission. There is someone out there whose story need to be told or highlighted, and I believe that as an artist who writes, we are chosen to expose the ills of our society as well as the good.

    Thank you for sharing some of the words from your heart.

    I love you, Bro.
    Shalom,
    Patti

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Hi Sis, We never really know how our words will affect people, or what it will stir up in them. They obviously took you on a journey of pain and sorrow on behalf of those children and young people suffering in the world today. It’s a reflection on society that people become so downtrodden that they sell or rent their children out so they can live.
      It cam from a deep place Sis. One that opens now and then and cries out before scuttling away again. I can’t shine the light for long, many glance at what it reveals and hurry away. it becomes to confronting for them. I say, live it for a week and see what you think then. Actually it was the reason I started writing. As you know there is a thread running through them of abuse and official corruption. Both crimes have a deleterious effect on society. I don’t want to beat people with it, I do want them to know that no matter what happens to you as a child, you can survive. You know my story and I think that’s why you keep reminding me of what writers are here for. Thanks so much for your great response Sis, it’s why I love ya!
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  4. Wordifull Melanie

    Laurie, I know you have been touched by so much darkness in your life and had a feeling this was part of your truth. You know this resonates so deeply with me, no one especially no child should have to deal with any of this. I’m crying for you… though i know all to well that writing this stuff out is a therapy all its own. I applaud you for putting this out there… in helping raise awarness. I still don’t think people really get it, how something done to a child can effect them their entire lives.

    Hugs and healing thoughts coming your way en masse.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      You are right there Melanie, it is part of my truth and it popped up out of the dark the other night, so I wrote it.
      This is probably why I write dark novels. it’s a way of purging the pain, horror and guilt. Child abuse is in the news every week in some form or another, yet, some people still don’t get it. Those who haven’t been there don’t realise the damage Melanie, you’re quite right. I said in another reply about the sense of betrayal transcends physical and emotional pain. I fell over and dislocated my shoulder a month ago, for the life of me I can’t recall how bad the pain was but I can remember why I fell. The mind blocks the pain, simple. Yes writing is great therapy Melanie and I’m grateful there are people who read it, thereby joining myself and others on hopefully, a journey of understanding. Hugs are gratefully accepted.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  5. nataliescarberry

    Good God Almighty, Laurence, this is raw! I don’t even know what I can say to offer some sort solace for the “demons” who hurt you so deeply and for what, their own selfish, self-centered desires of the flesh?! But I so want to say or do something. I pray that someone who knows this story is close enough to just hold and cry with you at times. I often wish our minds had a delete button like our computers so that we could just wipe those deep hurts off our “hard drives.” But then, sweet Laurence, would any of us reach that deep level of kindness and compassion were not our souls gouged to the core along the way of this journey called life. Is it not the hollowness of a glass that makes it useful? Is it not the hollowness of a stradovarius that makes the music as sweet? None, I know none, of this makes what you’ve been through justified in any way whatsoever, but I thank God for you and the man it has made of you. I pray that the Lord’s peace that transcends all human understanding fills the hurting places in your spirit and soul and draws you into His arms of grace one day. Hugs and love, my sweet friend. There are tears on my face and in my heart for you tonight. Blessings, Natalie

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      It is raw Natalie but the events are long gone. Though it is something of a festering sore that you pick at now and then. Lifting scabs is the term. It never really heals it only ever lays under the surface. The tears are still there, and it does make me sad at times. It’s the sense of being denied a normal childhood that rankles. I would watch all the family sitcoms in the 60’s with the happy caring parents and bright eyed kids. What a crock it was. Our past makes our present and we have to mould it to suit our needs. I don’t want to forget it because it reminds me to be a better person. You’ve written some beautiful things here Natalie and they make sense. All of them. I’d certainly like to sit on one of those swings and have a chat with you, oh and with a beverage of choice.
      Sometimes when I write poetry, I’ll sit and cry and Lorelle comes and gives me a hug. Or like when I wrote next weeks medium post I wept for a while and she’s there to hold me. I’m big, with plenty of muscle, ragged around the edges yet I feel like a child when I break down. We get over physical pain, our mind does a wonderful job of blunting it, and it also hides our psychological pain. What it doesn’t hide is the intense feeling of betrayal. That makes me weep. But I’m still here, so in the end I’ve won. A hollow victory but I can stand tall and know that I’ve won. Thanks for your kindness, prayers and tears Natalie, you are a beautiful person.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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      1. nataliescarberry

        Laurence, Rose Kennedy once remarked, “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

        I think she hit the nail squarely on the head except that for most of us the pain never really lessens; it just gets numbed somewhat by the passage of time and the discontinuance of the betrayal. In either case, all any of us can really do is stop allowing the wounds to hurt us over and over again and keep them from putting our souls in a grave.

        Barbara Kingsolver says that “every betrayal contains a perfect moment, a coin stamped heads or tails with salvation on the other side.” You were not only betrayed but also cheated in a heinous way out of the innocence of childhood. A mentor told me once that the child in us never dies; it just gets covered over with all the years of growing and learning and coping with what life throws at us, and so yes, all that loss and suffering you went through is still alive in you, ready to be reawakened at any time. But that you have endured what you went through and are still here and standing tall is NOT a hollow victory. You have risen from the bowels of hell tested by fire and ripe for salvation. So today I lift you up and lay you and your sorrows at the foot of Christ’s cross. I pray that His saving grace, born too of betrayal and immense suffering, washes over and through you, and that you feel His loving arms wrap around you and wash away your tears. And this will be my daily prayer for you as long as I live sweet, sweet, betrayed, abused and wounded child of God. Hugs and love, Natalie

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      2. laurie27wsmith Post author

        Time heals Natalie but it doesn’t stop you forgetting. The art is in putting it away in little boxes, locking them and hoping they don’t keep popping open. The sad thing is they pop out again as you reach middle age. I agree, we are all children inside and some hide it better than others. I thank you for your concern for my soul and I accept your prayers. it’s a beautiful sacrifice on your part to concern yourself with my well being. Thank you Natalie and hugs to you.
        Laurie.

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      1. Bette A. Stevens

        Daffodils are lovely, enjoyable, fine; but it’s those human interest stories that touch us most and help us focus on the important things in life. We must tell those too. So glad that you did. I shared it on twitter. Blessings, Bette

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      2. laurie27wsmith Post author

        Daffodils worked for Wordsworth,😉 You’re right, human interest generates the most interest. Thanks so much for sharing it on twitter Bette. I appreciate it.
        Cheers
        Laurie.

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  6. Raani York

    This is some “silent cry” in words… calm but with more energy and power than I have read anything lately. It made me shiver and I wish I could comfort you somehow, Laurie.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks Raani. The comfort comes with writing them, though I thank you for caring. It was another one of those, ‘Oh, here comes a poem,’ and it pours out. The muse has been on an extended holiday. It came about after writing next weeks medium post.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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  7. hitandrun1964

    It took a lot of guts to write this one Laurie. You’re a brave man. Having to think about it and put it down in writing was an act of courage. Hugs and chirps.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks Gigi, someone has to say it. People don’t realise that there is an ongoing sense of distress and failure to trust in abused children. Even when they’re in their 60’s.

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  8. hitandrun1964

    Let me know when Pagadan, I’ll go with you. There aren’t enough ways to say I’m sorry that happened to you. Not in a million years…but I am sorry. I the person who did it got exactly what he deserved 10xs over.

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