A Medium or just well done? More on Karma.

In last week’s post I mentioned about a man I know in this life who caused me some distress in my first marriage. Also how I came across him in a couple of past lives and still needed to know where we stood as it were. Several bloggers suggested that I should go and have a look. It’s been quite a while since I’ve made the journey and I have to say I was surprised by the content, realism and did I mention the pain? This isn’t always the case though and I wouldn’t let it put you off trying a regression. Actually the pain involved accentuated present day physical problems. About 10 minutes before we started, Lorelle would be taking me back, I became extremely angry. No rhyme or reason for it at all, I settled and laid down on the lounge. After relaxing a little, we went back through my 50th, 40th and 21st birthdays. Then back to when I was 9 and on the ship coming out to Australia, starting school at 5 and finally my birth. This was old hat but it’s necessary to get you in the right frame of mind. I’ll do the usual and tell them like a story, I find it easier this way. Be warned though, my journey is not for the fainthearted as I’m telling it like it happened, the savagery and immorality. Remember these events are long gone and don’t reflect who I am today.
Nothing at first, a darkness, movement and a slow awareness of my location. The rough trail cut into my bare feet and the huge, fur wrapped bundle I carried on my back weighed me down. Light slowly appeared through the gloom and I caught a glimpse of an alpine field across a misty lake. I could see animal heads in front of me, worn as headdresses by the men who enslaved me. A stag went past, the full hide covered the shoulders and back of its wearer. Glancing to my left I saw the bear head worn by my captor. Like him it was huge, savage-looking and it stank. I tripped and my bundle spewed its contents out on the forest floor. Booty from the last village they left burning, dried meats, furs, cook pots and some of his personal belongings. I lay there, too tired to move waiting for the usual kicking. He didn’t disappoint me. Stepping close he drew his robe back and kicked me in the stomach, roaring at me like the beast he was. The leather kilt he wore caught my eye, thick leather straps with metal sewn to them glinted in the light that grew stronger around us. I saw his face and I knew it was him. I’d lost count of the moons that had passed since he’d impregnated me, I’d only begun to bleed when they found my father’s small farm. They killed him, took our meagre stock and what grain we had and then he raped me. When he found out he’d put life into me, he kicked me until it came out. He’d used me many times since and I never fell again. Now I’m his packhorse and the recipient of his foul, evil moods. Darkness again and I’m sat by a fire, cooking. He’s there with a few others who share our fire, they’re playing bones and he loses. Another man wins me for the night. I’m used to this now but this one is cruel. When he finishes he leaves me bleeding. I wait until they’re all asleep and crawl over to my master. His drunken snores makes him sound more like his totem, the bear. Picking up a rock in both hands, I kneel by his shoulders and smash it down onto his head, he grunts and I bring it down again and again. I don’t stop until his thick, black hair is covered in blood and brains and I can’t lift the rock anymore. I didn’t see the others stir and they took hold of me before I could run. There was no preamble, I’d killed one of them. One held my wrists behind my back and stretched my arms out. The pain shot down through my shoulders. I saw a thick leather thong with large knots tied at regular intervals. They put this around my neck, tied it off and then a piece of wood was placed between the back of my neck and the thong. It was turned and turned until I couldn’t breathe and I felt the blood pounding in my brain. My head felt as if it would explode and then I died. Darkness again then I found myself standing in front of an old man who I recognised but couldn’t remember his name. He had thick, white hair, a white beard and was dressed in a white robe. ‘Hello,’ he said, ‘welcome back.’ Then it ended.
As you know I don’t follow any religion, and I believe the man to be a guide of some description who would probably have told me where I went wrong, or helped me to determine what lessons needed to be learned. I stayed on the lounge and kept going.
picture courtesy of http://thescarletletter.wikia.com/wiki/Puritan_LifePuritan
A grey cloud opened quickly and shut again. I glimpsed a tall man dressed as a puritan. black coat, a high white-collar and a high hat. he’s quite tall, with a grim, lined face set in a constant scowl. It’s me. I have no idea as to where I am, by the style of dress it could have been England or North America. There seems to be an aggravating sense of anger, frustration, lust and self-hatred about me. I’m standing in the doorway of a large barn. The feeling of owning such a thing and the animals it contains takes the edge off my anger, until I catch a glimpse of her in the shadows of a horse stall. Moving over to where she lies on the fresh mown straw, I feel the fight begin inside of me. The desire for this girl far outweighs the repercussions that I know will come to destroy me. She knows that I desire her and takes great pleasure in taunting me. Her eyes, bluer than the sky twinkle with a knowing far beyond her years. Her golden hair cascades over her now bare shoulders as she struggles to remove her shift. She has become more brazen over time and cares not that we may be discovered. Her tinkling laugh breaks through my muttered prayers for strength, then as she touches my breeches I pray for forgiveness for the sin I’m about to commit, again. I can see that it’s him when I stare into her eyes. As always, entering her makes my mind swim with desire. She waits a moment then says, ‘I’m with child and mother says there is something different about me.’ Removing myself from her I stand, reeling with the thought of what she has said. The scene flicks forward and we stand in front of our church, they won’t let us in. They stand like a wall against us. Panicking, frightened I turn on her and yell. ‘It is her, she’s a witch, evil. She used her whiles to enslave me, satan is in her.’ I take some delight in seeing her face as it turns even whiter, ‘Look at her, anything so beautiful must belong to him. I tell you she enslaved me with magic. What else can she be?’ My wife steps forward and says, ‘She’s your daughter that’s what she is and you can both burn in hell.’ My daughter flees and I follow. She stops by the bank of a creek not far from town. I throw her to the ground, sit astride her and place my hands around her tender throat. Enraged, eaten by guilt and fear I slowly choke her. I watch as her eyes bulge and cloud over. The scene shifts and I’m back in my barn, I see my body hanging from a beam over the horse stall.
I can feel enormous pain in the back of my neck now, as if my whole weight is supported by one vertebrae. My left shoulder and arm has gone numb and I struggle to breathe. Lorelle asks me if I want to come out of it. No, I’ve come this far I need to see the next one.
Picture courtesy of wikipedia.Ketland1[1]
I’m drawn instantly into this scene. What can only be an English Inn appears. As an observer I stand back and watch. Dark, heavy oak beams crisscross the low ceiling of the taproom. Men of all shapes and sizes crowd around small tables, drinking, laughing, arguing, playing cards. A huge log burns warmly in the stone fireplace, set against the back wall. Whale oil lamps flicker and their smoke adds to the haze of tobacco smoke hanging above the heads of the men. I see him first, in his late forties with a heavy black beard, streaked with grey. He’s wearing a thick woollen shirt with a leather jerkin over it. A thick, leather baldric crosses his chest, supporting a heavy cutlass, he has this over his lap. Then I see ‘me’ coming from the bar. I’m carrying a tray laden with pewter tankards. My black hair is up in a bun and the weight of the tray forces my breasts up, so they bounce above my corset. The fact that my skirt drags through the sawdust on the floor doesn’t bother me. I stop for a moment and tease the men seated at a table, encouraging them to drink up. I have food and drink to sell and a business to run, I do almost anything to make a profit. I stop at his table, something is wrong. One of the men he plays cards with is angry, he’s been losing his money all night and now he shouts cheat. I know he only comes here to see me. When the last drunk goes home to his wife, I close the inn and take him up to my room. I watch in horror as the angry man pulls out a pistol, I can hear the click as he cocks the hammer, terrified I drop the tray and it lands on my man’s arm. He lurches to his feet and can’t pull out his pistol in time. There’s a fizz, a flash and boom. A large, black hole appears in his forehead and as he topples backward his eyes stare accusingly at me. Inside I scream, ‘No, it wasn’t my fault, no I didn’t do it.’
I try to sit up off the lounge, I can’t I hurt so much. My head throbs, it feels like all of my blood is trapped there. Disoriented, feeling a little nauseated I manage to stand. Boy don’t I need a coffee. We talked about what I’d seen and felt, and I gain a greater understanding as to why he acted like he did in this life. I wasn’t the hapless victim of someone’s dislike for me, instead I turned out to be on the receiving end of karma. I found it difficult to get to sleep later, so I went into a quick meditation and connected with him on a soul level. I apologized and asked if that was it, is there anything else to watch out for? My dreams were hectic, disorganised and filled with flickering images. Some of it was what I’d experienced in the regression, other parts consisted of shadowy events that I can’t recall. I woke the next morning with terrible pain in the C7 vertebrae. Needless to say it was a leftover from the night before and as the day wore on it vanished and I began to feel, well, terribly good. To the extent that for four days running I’ve been outside working in the yard. I can now rotate my head without any pain at all. So we have this thread of pain, callous disregard and brutality running through the first two lives. Then a common bond and love in the third one only to have a complex ending, based on a misunderstanding. I can only imagine in that life, that I lived on until my time was up. As an aside, when I came into this world the umbilical cord was wrapped firmly around my neck. For all intents and purposes I was dead. Apparently the midwife called the doctor in to attend and after a couple of minutes of resusicitation he told her to put me in the bucket. This was kept under the delivery table for the afterbirth, other waste and stillborns. Once he left she began resus again and I breathed on my own after 6 minutes. Sometimes I guess we’re meant to be here. Although if you’ve been reading my posts over the last couple of years you’ll realise that I’ve experienced more than my fair share of close calls. Hmm, I may have pissed off more people over time than I can recall.

There we have it, reasons for ongoing lives. To learn lessons, experience life, find out what it’s like to hurt and be hurt and to have your very existence pulled out from under you. The main lesson I think though is one of forgiveness, without it the lesson has to be learned until you get it right. In this life you don’t have to front up to the person and ask for or send out forgiveness. You can do it within and let the act go. The world at large needs to forgive, we have ongoing conflicts whose seeds were sown hundreds of years ago, yet people are willing to kill over it now. I’ve been watching the news in regards to the vote for Scotland to secede, people were in the streets brawling over everything from football, religion to the battle of Culloden in 1746. I’m not singling Scotland out here, it happens everywhere and makes me wonder when does it stop. Have people reincarnated into these countries today to seek retribution for past wrongs and deaths? Are whole countries involved in the karma from past events? It’s something to think about and all I can say is like most things, forgiveness starts at home.
Next week: I’m sure to think about something before then.

35 thoughts on “A Medium or just well done? More on Karma.

  1. kelihasablog

    I have kept this one Laurie until I had plenty of time to read and digest it. I’m sorry for the pain you endured, yet as stupid as it sounds, I personally think that in life one must experience pain in order to experience happiness. I often wonder if in my past lives I was as naive and sheltered as I have been in this one. I can’t seem to ever “hate or stay upset” with anyone for very long. I admit I am still upset by the actions of my step-brothers for what they did to my mother primarily, but also the children, by taking their grandfather who I know in my heart adored them all. (My kids as well as my siblings kids). When I think of them (and I try not to but they appear in dreams at times) I really feel almost a “blankness”, (I know, sounds stupid) but it’s like they don’t exist. We have not seen or heard from them since the day my step-dad died. I think it’s more a matter of just not understanding why they did what they did after my mother and family took care of and loved their father for 32 years. We can’t expect to always understand life, in my opinion that is. Perhaps they were the same in their past lives, thus having not learned “The Truth” and are bound to repeat it until they do.
    Life can be a puzzle for sure, and I admit I’m still struggling with just letting go of this one. I keep telling myself I have forgiven them, thinking there just is no rational explanation, other than they are just greedy…. and some people are. I just haven’t gotten to the point of “forgetting” what they did. As bad as it sounds, I think after my mother is gone, I will not feel so burdened down by this, but who knows.

    As always, I love your “stories”, memories, experiences, etc., and feel bad that we are asking you to re-experience them for us, but perhaps with the re-experiencing, even with the pain, comes a calmness of acceptance… if that makes any sense at all.😀

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Pain is pain, had a heap this time around but it tends to either kill you or hone you like a blade. With your family perhaps it’s your mum and step-dad’s karma to endure their slings and arrows, with you picking up the pieces. There could be a lesson in there for you Keli. The lesson could be in letting go. Forgetting what they did is hard, forgiving will free you from them. Maybe your heart wasn’t in it when you forgave them the first time around. You’re right though, when your mum goes then all connection is cut then and you can get on with living your life.
      I don’t mind going back and experiencing these things Keli. They’re quite beneficial to me and the pain is almost always momentary (my neck still feels better). The main thing I get out of it is answers to the why’s and wherefores of this life. I work on the acceptance over a short period of time. I have to say though it makes you feel lighter and somehow free of life’s burdens.
      Cheers
      Laurie.🙂

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  2. Eli Pacheco

    i wish there was an age we’d reach (43, maybe?) at which we’d have to examine our past lives and try to discover what lessons we should learn in this life. I want to know. I want to sow forgiveness if I can, in some way, to make the next stop a little less troublesome.

    Your descriptions were incredible, mate. Such detail. How amazing to see such things.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      The early forties is usually when issues in this life come to the fore Mate but you’re right. It would be wonderful to be able to have it all sorted while still in the relevant life. I think to sow that forgiveness then you can do it now. Just by wanting to be a better person you’re heading on the right direction. Then by being forgiving with the people around you it sets up a series of changes in your life. You can then look at those who really pissed you off and start the forgiveness there.
      I’m glad you enjoyed it Mate. The detail? It’s like watching a movie.

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  3. bgbowers

    I read this a few days ago, Laurie, but my reader has been playing up and not letting me comment…So, here I am on the PC at last.
    Firstly, thank you for sharing your story. It can’t be easy to relieve those past events, let alone share them with a public audience. Not everyone understands or acknowledges that we are all capable of committing immoral/violent acts given the right circumstances. Being able to revisit those past lives must open up a whole new dimension of understanding the human condition, yes?
    Riveting read, as usual. I must admit, I don’t really want this series to end😉
    Bianca.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      There’s always a glitch happening around WordPress lately Bianca. I couldn’t insert links for a few days.😦
      Thank you, it is difficult to relive those events and I found it quite difficult. To the extent that I was going to change the relationship between the puritan and the girl, to one of employer/employee. I thought that might be a tad hypocritical and left it how it came out. I gave some thought to what other people might think, then thought if they think differently of me because of this then they’re not worth bothering with. The old saying about casting the first stone has great meaning here. It does give me some great insights into the human condition Bianca. At the same time it shows me why things have happened to me, and inflicted by other people.
      I’m glad you’re enjoying the series, it’s about 29 episodes long now and must come to an end soon.
      Cheers
      Laurie.🙂

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  4. Patricia Salamone

    Very interesting Laurie, I wonder though, did you ever meet anyone in the here and now that you felt a connection to. Could that be someone that in a past life was cruel to you, or you to them and if so how would you know. I once met a woman for the first time and while I greeted her as I looked into her eyes I saw or felt such evil that it frightened me. I eventually had to deal with this woman for a few years. For some reason although she was not very nice to me I was always kind to her. She died a painful death. Her death caused much chaos among her family that has gone on for years. What do you think?

    Believe it or not I liked reading your stories, they are so informative, however I feel bad that your past lives leave you with the painful physical part. I hope one day I can travel back to see if I hurt others so I can ask for forgiveness. Looking forward to your next post. :o)

    Sorella

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks Sorella. Guess I have met a couple a long the way. I’ve come across plenty out those out to do harm.🙂 you don’t give it a conscious thought. It’s basically a gut feeling type of thing. Look some people are easy to pick, like the woman you mentioned. Others not so easy. I suspect that she would have been there to help the families sort out their own karma with her. I’m glad you like reading my stories. Pain is all part of the process Sorella. You don’t even have to go back to begin a process of forgiveness, You’d know who was giving you the strife and heartache now, in this life. Start by forgiving them and yourself.
      Cheers
      Fratello.

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  5. bldodson

    Past lives can be a bitch. I had an accidental memory in Mathura, India…being captured, held prisoner and tortured at that place. It was an awful experience, stayed with me for days.

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  6. Owls and Orchids

    Definitely a thought provoking post again Laurie. I often wonder if most of the ‘ailments’ we have today are as a result of some connection within this life or beyond it. In one sense it makes it easier to understand the present (perhaps), although I have difficulty just taking that on faith alone. I need to know and understand what and where it began and why…. and I guess part of the learning is to understand the wherefore so the ‘mistake’ doesn’t occur again. The forgiveness of self is always hard though – it seems easier to forgive what has been done to rather than what you perceive you did – or more confusingly, what you didn’t do. Yes, I know, you’ll be telling me I can’t have forgiven myself if I get tied up in what I didn’t do…
    In a nutshell (a big one) I still feel there are reasons within reasons and that ‘need’ to understand every part of it is enough to give anyone a headache!
    A long talk about it one day perhaps….. At least yu always give me plenty to think about.🙂
    Ciao, Susan xox

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thank Susan. I think it’s one of the ways to account for birthmarks, people have been born with scars resembling bullet and knife wounds. I agree about the ailments too. That’s why I like to look Susan, the whys and wherefores to me are a very important part of figuring this stuff out. It stands to reason that if you know what has gone wrong and don’t do anything to change it then you’ll keep coming back to learn the same lesson. Forgiveness is hard but it’s a necessary part of the whole thing. For me, doing the regression and seeing the things I did give me a fair idea of what I need to learn. Or at best why things happen now. The key is not to make it so difficult for yourself. There doesn’t have to be complex reasons for these things at all. Some things just are and no amount of brain wracking will change the facts. One day will come where you’re shown all the thin webs and connections but for now I think it’s best for one’s sanity to focus on what one can change.
      I’m glad I’ve given you something to think about, as long as your brain doesn’t hurt doing it you’ll be fine.🙂
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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      1. Owls and Orchids

        Thank you learned one🙂, I really hope that I can get to the point where I can follow these things back and learn to release the cause and effect… if you follow me. I’ve tried regression once before and I wasn’t overly impressed with the facilitator – so I think its really necessary to have someone who really can take you back and not simply make you want to think you are. Looking forward to finding out one day soon.🙂
        Ciao,
        Susan x

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      2. laurie27wsmith Post author

        You’re welcome Grasshopper.🙂 If I can get back there Susan I’m darn sure that you can. Although having someone who knows what they’re doing helps. I’m looking forward too.
        Cheers
        Laurie.🙂

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  7. Jane Dougherty

    Reading about your experiences Laurie is like opening a book and finding that the pages keep unfolding and unfolding so instead of one story there are dozens. I don’t know how you cope, I honestly don’t. Glad you got the neck sorted out though very sad for what was behind it.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Never ending story comes to mind Jane. I must be filling in on all my old karma on this one. I have several physical matters I want to look at and a couple of relationships. I have no shortage of material for future books.🙂 I guess having a damaged mind helps, I just keep storing it all away. The neck is still good. You’re right though there was plenty of drama and angst behind it.

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  8. Katherine Pym

    This plane called earth may be beautiful from outer space, but it’s a harsh teacher to those who are on it. Before we come here, we plan what we will do, what lessons we’ll learn. They say the key is not what you go through but how you come out of a travail. If one learns forgiveness and peace, then the lesson’s outcome was successful.
    I’ve also been told this plane is very difficult; cruelty, pain, death are part of what makes this place what it is. Here, the lessons are harder, more invasive. One lifetime on earth is worth several lifetimes on another plane. The harsh realities are we strive for goodness on a plane that is filled with cruelty. We are prey or we prey. If successful, at the end of our travails, we are filled with more light than when we started. This is our goal.
    Laurie, based on your recent, marvelous journeys back in time, it seems your karma with the other may be finally winding down. Perhaps, what you have sown with that particular soul has finally been reaped. All the best, K

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thanks once gain for another intelligent, insightful comment on my post. I truly appreciate it. This place is a tough gig, a hard act and I don’t think people appreciate that what they do here can go a long way to the advancement of their soul.
      I definitely think that I cleared that karma up Katherine. Just the way I’ve felt since then proves to me that I was quite burdened by it all. I think too that by acknowledging it and forgiving you can nip any further repeats in the bud. Hope to hear from you again.
      Cheers
      Laurie.

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      1. Katherine Pym

        Yes, clearing up old bits and bobs of a particular karma can make all the difference with your soul. You did what you could to clear the slate. You understand now; you sought forgiveness, and your soul is more clear, your body in this life more healthy. Now, you are free to move on to another little bit or bob that’s been niggling…
        Never ends, does it?😀
        Hugs, K

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      2. laurie27wsmith Post author

        It’s been something of a spring clean up Katherine. I do feel better, as you say ready to take on the other bibs and bobs. Nope, it never ends at all.🙂
        Hugs
        Laurie.

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  9. Raani York

    You were definitely right, Laurie… your experience wasn’t for the faint hearted… they made me tremble!
    I was definitely thinking about what you said concerning the past lives… why are we here – and apparently keep coming back? Now I remember why my old home priest was so annoyed with me: Being catholic I’m not supposed to believe in re-incarnation. *chuckle* Poor man, I gave him quite a shock!🙂
    I wouldn’t say I “enjoyed” reading your post… I did because I love your writing, but today it was purest darkness and it kind of weighs onto my neck…

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Fair warning I guess Raani.🙂 You should know by now I tell it how it is. That always amazes me about the church not believing in reincarnation, when in Matthew the disciples ask Jesus if John the Baptist is the reincarnation of the Prophet Eli. If they didn’t believe it why would they ask?
      I thank you for your honesty Raani. No entertainment in this one just an honest account. There are plenty of horror stories out there……..

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  10. davidprosser

    Fascinating stuff Laurie.You’re right there’s a common brutality which seems to run through as a theme and it’s a brutality that never seems to end. At least we know that if there’s a need for forgiveness or self forgiveness we have a conscience somewhere that we carry through.
    Maybe if there was someone great enough to carry the message of self forgiveness to all then wars would stop though I suspect anyone that great would soon be got rid of since there’s far too much money in strife.
    I’m glad to hear the neck is OK again and you’ve managed to deal with an age old problem.
    All the best
    Hugs to you and Lorelle.

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    1. laurie27wsmith Post author

      Thank you David. I often wonder whether the brutality is there as part of living on this plane of existence. I think it’s like a boot camp for somewhere better. So when we march out of this place with the required knowledge and experience we are equipped for bigger and better things. Both kinds of forgiveness are an integral part of our existence. It’s probably the hardest thing we are expected to do, because you can’t forgive half heartedly. You have to be able to wipe the slate clean and get on with it. That’s why I can’t understand why people say I’ll forgive but never forget. This could be hard in a marital relationship where you forgive infidelity. If you don’t forget then you are reliving the events all the time. A difficult one to ponder. To be honest David, I don’t think many people want to hear a message of forgiveness. If people can’t get over terrible events that happened hundreds of years ago, then what chance do people have who transgress against another today? Yeah the neck’s good. It’s done some popping and cracking and just being able to look over my shoulder is fantastic. I’ll pass on the hugs to Lorelle.
      Hugs and cheers.
      Laurie.

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      1. suzjones

        I think people hold back on forgiveness because anger is so much easier. I also think that they believe that forgiveness equates with saying that what the other person did is okay. It’s not.
        I truly believe that forgiveness is all about looking after yourself and it is a gift for you alone.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. laurie27wsmith Post author

        This is true and it plays a huge part in the lord’s prayer, forgive us our trespasses. Many folk are asking for forgiveness when they’ve done something wrong, yet they find it difficult to reciprocate. You’re right it’s not about saying it’s okay, it’s about saying, ‘I forgive you for what you’ve done to me.’ The act of forgiving frees us from the other person, what they do about it is definitely up to them.

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